Caroline · Mathieson

I suppose it could be argued that if I was really serious about having SRS then I would get off my big butt and get the weight off pronto. However I am not serious about SRS, not in the sense that most transsexuals are serious about it. It's more a long distance goal for me rather than a necessity that has to happen ASAP. I could live without it for some time yet, although I am not comfortable with having male genitalia.

I think I have a great deal to learn yet about how to be a woman. I think it's more important to get the visible aspects of being female right, rather than the invisible parts. I'm not sure how to go about getting the visible parts right however.

I do worry that this means I am not really a transsexual. However as soon as I ask myself the question, "Am I male then?" then I have to answer, "Definitely not!".

So what am I, if not male?

Well I suppose I am just one of those "in-betweenies", both male and female. I'm not intersex, as far as I am aware, although I did develop as a female during puberty for a while. In spiritual terms, maybe I have both male and female sides in balance. For a Buddhist, those are desirable qualities. The middle way is always the best way in Buddhism....

So would it make sense to swing the pendulum farther and go more into the female side and lose some or all the maleness?

Maybe not. The maleness gives me strengths right now that the femaleness does not provide. Maybe at this point I need those strengths and in time, maybe post op, I can give up the maleness?

However I also very much like the qualities that femaleness gives me like intuition and gentleness and the ability to feel what others are feeling. These are very important to me. I would not want to lose those abilities.

I've always been a gentle giant and i've always had intuition. In fact I can't solve technical problems at work any other way, which is rather problematic for an engineer! I've never been good at solving problems logically or methodically. I didn't get a very good degree!

I didn't always have the ability to relate to another person's feelings though. I was not in touch with my own feelings for most of my life. I tried to be like Mr Spock and not have any feelings or show them. I succeeded quite well at that and my last ex has this expression "Stone Face" for my face on those rare occasions when I was hiding behind my emotional barriers. However I did have strong feelings about many things, but kept them hidden for a very long time.

Maybe a gentler approach to weight loss would make more sense and more in keeping with my way of life?

Maybe the way I have been approaching the weight loss has been too masculine in that I have been too impatient and tried literally starving my body into submission? I found both the Lighter Life and the Atkins diets very aggressive ways of losing weight. The thing that concerns me about both of those diets and other schemes like them is that the weight is lost so rapidly that when you go back to normal food again, the body regains the lost weight plus more as if it somehow wants the reserve for another future period of "starvation".

I don't want to find post op that I am heavier than ever and the one thing which every post op woman says is that they gain weight afterwards, due to the inactivity and hormone changes!

Maybe it's time to become a vegetarian again for instance?

You don't see too many overweight vegetarians do you?

Of course the gentler approach means it will take a long time to achieve the desired weight loss, so maybe it will be a year or more before I can have my operation? It won't do me any harm to have another year on high doses of oestrogen, that's for sure!

Caroline x

For some reason I am spending a lot of time reminiscing again, even at work, when I should be writing a design document! I think it's something that maybe people of a certain age have a tendency to do? I keep seeing myself thirty years ago at age 18 when I was still living with my parents in Carnoustie.

I was an apprentice electrical & electronic engineer then and fairly well paid and because I did not have a car or a girlfriend, I had a lot of disposable income. I remember well spending it all on books, music (LPs in those days) and electronics.

So no change there then?

HiFi was my big thing, as the PC had not been invented yet and I could not have afforded one of the early ones anyway. I no longer have any of the HiFi equipment I had as a teenager, as it's been mostly replaced over the years with better stuff. Except for the speakers, a pair of Celestion Ditton 33's which are in their original boxes in my mum's shed. I am not sure why I have kept those. I also sold a lot of stuff in my thirties when I went through some financial difficulties in the late eighties after I took out a mortgage which went bad after the housing market crashed. I sold all my CD's then for instance, having sold most of the LP's some years before, having replaced them with the CD versions.

I had a big LP collection as a teenager, about 300 LPs, all in protective covers. This was before the CD had been invented. I had a "kit made" turntable with an SME pick-up arm with a "top of the range" Shure cartridge. That was the "Bee's Knee's" back then! I also had a Revox A77 Reel to Reel tape recorder which I used to record the long BBC programs which were broadcast on a Saturday and Sunday. Alan Freeman, "Fluff", had this program on a Saturday afternoon where he played a lot of progressive rock and I picked up a lot of my musical tastes through that program. On Sunday afternoon Steve Wright also broadcast a 3 or 4 hour top 40 and in the evening there was often a guest DJ who would get a 2 hour program that often had an eclectic mix of music. My brother "borrowed" the Revox with all the tapes when I went off to university and never returned it!

I had a fairy big book collection then too. I Was very much into eastern religions and philosophy and popular interpretations of modern physics. I've just recently found copies of some of those books online and have bought some of them again. It's funny reading them now, knowing that I read them all that time ago as well.

I was also deeply into a guy called Lobsang Rampa and had all his books, which I still have gathering dust in my study. I am not so sure of his stuff now, having been away from it for a long time and having become a Buddhist since then and studied the religion properly. Recently his adopted "daughter" wrote a book about him. It was one of those LuLu books that are printed on demand.

I still have most of all those religion and philosophy books, but don't read them these days. The Music and the Books were the one thing I kept when I sold everything else just before taking my long Sabbatical.

I also subscribed to about 12 different magazines such as Practical HiFi, HiFi News, Electronics Today International, Practical Wireless, Practical Electronics, Wireless World etc. Later I subscribed to Byte, Personal Computer World, QL World, Scientific American, New Scientist and even Nature for a while. I kept all the issues and I had a huge and heavy collection of them.

But I disposed of all the issues I had collected in my thirties. They would maybe be worth a lot now, as they were all in mint condition and complete volumes. There was no eBay in those days! I can still remember feeding them, one by one, into one of the recycling centre bins in Livingston, where I lived at the time.

However, I gave up reading any magazines when I started transitioning! Reading magazines of all kinds was such a big part of my life and I just stopped, stone dead, shortly after taking my first Premarin Pill?

Why?

When I had owned a computer for a few years and the world wide web took off, I was also got into Porn in a big way. I had a huge archive of pictures and movies on my PC. Looking back, I seemed to have been addicted to it. However, again, shortly after I took that first Premarin Pill, I deleted the whole archive!

Why?

Actually I know why, it's because they were all poor substitutes for the one thing I really needed and which I denied myself until about 3 years ago, transition.

I am pondering what I would have thought if the "me now" could have talked to the "me then" and told him that 30 years later "he" will be typing this message on a computer with a high quality flat screen, that "he" would be going through the slow process of changing sex and that he would have to wait 30 years for that to happen! What would the "me then" have thought of that?

Would he have believed me?

One thing I would have told him was to watch out for his diet. If I had been more careful then, I suspect that I would not be in the situation I am in now. I comfort ate all through my twenties and thirties and still have a tendency to comfort eat. I guess that's a life long habit which will be hard to break. I didn't comfort eat at all in my teens or if I did, I must have had a higher metabolism and burned it off. I was also very proud of my slightly girlish figure and wore clothes which showed it off.

What happened to make me change?

I do know that I started to go to pubs and eat Chinese food on Saturday nights. The first time I ever went into the Golf Inn in Carnoustie I was attracted to a young girl called Beverly. We sort of dated for a while but my heart was not really in it for reasons which are obvious now. I started to put on weight with all that alcohol and excess food and I guess it went on from there. I continued to eat too much all the way through university because I lived in a hall of residence and they had a dining hall where you could eat as much as you wanted.

My emotional needs were never met, so the need to comfort eat was still there.

In my third year at university, when I was living in a flat with 5 other young men, I would still eat too much as we could get our food very cheaply, including very cheap potatoes and I would often cook for them all. I started to eat take away food in earnest when I moved to my first post graduate job in Chelmsford. I never felt like cooking after a day at work and still often don't. So a take away was the easy option!

I also got used to eating a large quantity of food at a sitting and it became my habit to eat a larger than necessary meal every time. In fact I would eat two large meals each day and I never really noticed this until I became a Buddhist and became a vegetarian at the same time and noticed what others considered a "normal" sized meal.

I lost a lot of weight when I became vegetarian and reached as low as 15 stones. Eventually I stopped practising Buddhism during the financial troubles and met my first partner and started to eat too much again. However this time it was a slow gradual increase as I had been used to eating tiny meals and gradually increased the size of the meals and the size of my waist over the next year or two until I was heavier than ever.

I guess I started to comfort eat initially because there was a huge emotional hole in my life and this was my doomed attempt to fill it. I also wanted to be huge and ugly so that I could never be attractive to anyone and I wanted to hide my partially developed breasts and my curves. It didn't really work though, as I have had two long term relationships during this time!

Was it some hormonal thing which started in my late teens and which made me see things differently? I never had any facial hair and had already developed small breasts in puberty. Maybe my testosterone levels started to rise from a low level in my late teens and that's what caused the change? I don't remember to be honest, but something caused me to change from being a slim and attractive young man to a huge slob. I would like to know, even though it's too late to do anything about it now.

I still don't feel attractive to this day, even though Suzy keeps saying otherwise. I saw a picture of myself posted in Suzy's journal, taken this Saturday and was horrified at what I saw. All I could see was a huge belly and thick arms. Not even remotely feminine!

So why do I still occasionally comfort eat? I guess it's because of habit and because I still have an emotional hole to fill, although it's much smaller now.

I never took up smoking or recreational drugs. Maybe that would have made a difference back then?

I don't know what to do or think about it.

Caroline x

Now I am home again and having a quiet Sunday catching up on the internet groups I am a member of.

Anyway, I weighed myse3lf this morning to see what effect all that walking had had and I had PUT ON a Kilogramme!

It's just as well I had stopped if it was having a negative effect. I'm a bit mystified to be honest, because I was eating a lot less and exercising a lot more than I do normally.

So how could I actually gain weight?

Well, it's possible that it's leg muscle development. That's what happened on my sabbatical, I did not lose any weight but lost a lot of girth on the tummy.

I did notice that I walked up the stairs to my flat last night with the backpack on and was not even remotely out of breath when I reached the door. That's a change for the better at least!

Caroline xx

It would be an understatement to say I am disappointed to not be able to walk in Spain along the Via De La Plata. There are other quiet routes I could take, but I need to research them first. I chose the Via De La Plata because I have managed to walk it before and it's relatively quiet. The main camino frances route is from the Pyrennees to Santiago but at this time of year and especially because of the best selling book by Hake Kerkerling, the German comedian, the camino frances is heaving with young and not so young male pilgrims out for a quick romp with all the young female pilgrims who are supposed to be also walking the route looking for men. I don't want to get involved in all that stuff and there is a daily race and a fight for beds in the refuges at the moment, which I would also prefer to avoid. So the other options are the Portugese route from Oporto to Santiago which takes 10 days or there is the Camino Aragones which is from Jaca in the middle of the French Pyrennees to Puenta La Reina and takes about 6 days.

Meanwhile I plan to take a bus in the morning each day to somewhere within about 10 miles of home and walk home from there. The buses around Royston are very good indeed, as Suzy can tell you and I could do a walk like that every day for a fortnight and not repeat a walk. I can carry a day pack for that with water and lunch in it.

But first I need to go to Scotland as my mother has been in hospital for tests in the last few days for an inability to swallow and problems with her 10 year old hip replacement. She won't understand why I have not visited her, or remember that I am on holiday. My mum is 88 years old and getting very forgetful and a bit senile now.

Carline x

There is a point where you have to ask yourself whether what you are doing is merely intrepid or actually life threatening. I reached that point this morning when walking from El Real De La Jara to Santa Ollila to catch the bus to Monasterio. It's only 8 KM but those 8 KM nearly did me in this morning because of the heat.

Those who know me well will know that I am undergoing some major life changes and part of that is taking Oestrogen. My testosterone level is non existent because of my diabetes. I therefore have little energy at the best of times.

I was walking this route in order to lose weight for an operation I hopefully will be having later this year. I also wanted to be fitter for that and there is a BMI limit of 30 for the operation. My BMI when last measured was 38.

To lose weight I was dieting at the same time as walking so I had even less energy than normal. This manifested as chronic sweating due to the effort of walking with the backpack. I knew I was limited in the distances I could walk but to be barely able to do 8KM was a shock.

Thinking about it now, I never once need a pee when I was walking because I was sweating all the water away. I carried 3 Litres of water a day, but in the heat, I was often using that up before I reached my destination. The longest day I walked was only 19KM. As many of you know there are very long days on the Via and no easy way to get to 8KM or so before your destination without an expensive taxi fare.

It does not make sense now to try to lose weight this way at this time of the year. It was also a mistake to bring a laptop with me even though it is very light.

I am returning home tomorrow to walk some local shorter walks each day in the lovely English countryside. Why did I not think to do that before?

Caroline xx

Today I am in Castilleblanco. This was the longest and hardest and hottest day yet at 19Km. I think this is probably my personal limit. In previous years I was able to manage 25Km per day, so it's come down a little, which is probably a sign of my lack of fitness or stamina. There are a few sections coming up which are quite long, but I can manage those my getting to the 15Km point by other means and walking from there.

That 20 euros I mentioned yesterday included breakfast by the way. I was able to have toast with york ham on it. I've noticed york ham becoming more popular in Spain instead of the more traditional Jamon. I had the other apple mid morning and for lunch I had three yoghurts and an energy drink. I noticed the lack of energy more today and maybe that was because I didn't have a sandwich today. Maybe I need the bread at lunch time to keep me going? I suspect slow release carbohydrates are better than quick release ones in this case. For dinner tonight I had a large salad and a mushroom omelette and no wine! Unusually, I was able to have that at 7:30PM. Most places in Spain will not serve you until after 8:30PM at the earliest. This particular bar is right across from the refuge, so it must get a lot of pilgrim business.

I met three German pilgrims today, from Berlin. They appear to be about my age, but they are in the refuge tonight and I am in a hostal. They had stayed in the very basic refuge last night. Tomorrow I will make more effort to stay in the refuge as well, as the refuge at Almaden is very nice and has a manager. The one here does not and occasionally has problems with the homeless and drunks staying there when there are only one or two pilgrims. There will be 5 pilgrims in the refuge tonight, so that problem should not occur hopefully.

I've managed to get a bit of sunburn today. I was out in the sun for 8 hours and really need to remember to reapply  the sun cream after 5 hours. I also thought I was getting a blister but it's actually a scratch from yesterday from wading through that murky stream. I was a little worried it might be infected, but there is no sign of that tonight.

My feet are holding up quite well so far and I have not developed tendinitis this time, touch wood! That's always been the bane of my caminos and I usually get it by walking too far or too fast. I'm walking fairly slowly this time due to lack of energy. I can see that managing my diet will be educational in that I need the right meals at the right times to power me through the day. I don't think I have it quite right yet!

Every day so far I have had full 3G reception which is a little surprising but welcome!

Caroline xx

Today was a harder walk. It was warmer and a little farther, 12KM. It felt hotter today and there was no shade, so I was pretty tired when I reached Guillena. luckily I found a room. I was a little concerned about that as last year I got lost and arrived after 8 O'clock when the hotel was already full. I arrived today at 3:00 but apparently there are very pilgrims on the way at the moment. The person I asked said that it was already too hot for them.

Hostal Bar Frances has changed somewhat since the last time I was here. Santiago is stll the owner, but he apparently has developed a bad leg and works elsewhere now. He has quite nice bar staff working there, in smart yellow uniforms no less! He has clearly invested quite a lot of money in upgrading the place and the rooms seem to be much better equiped than before. For the first time, I got a single room at the front of the building with an en-suite for only 20 euros! In the past I always ended up in the rooms in the middle with now windows to the outside and shared toilet facilities.

I have been suffering a bit of dodgy tummy today, which is not unusual at this point. Last night I went out for a bigger meal and ended up in a Chinese restaurant near the hotel. I had a Chinese salad, chicken and mushroom soup and a beef & peppers plus fried vegetables dish. No rice or other large amount of carbohydrates. Breakfast today was scrambled eggs and bacon plus fruit juice. I also nabbed two apples and made a small sandwich for lunch with cheese and ham. I had an energy drink with that. I only had one of the apples!

Rather than send my stuff to Salamanca LISTA DE CORREOS, I check with the hotel and they were happy to keep it all for me as I made a reservation there for the end of my holiday, as I go back to Sevilla for my flight home.

I took the bus from Sevilla to Santiponce this morning and it left me at the entrance to Italica, which was closed. The nasty intersection to the north has not improved, but this time I took the cyclist route which still takes you to that wide stream that you have to wade across. There is a quite a lot of mud in there now and the water is currently a green colour! I am surprised no one has put  a set of concrete stepping stones there like they have on the camino frances at various points.

I've noticed a lot more cultivation today as well, with sunflowers, and corn being grown either side of the path, where in the past the fields were always fallow. There have also been new buildings and what looked and sounded like a large set of dog kennels on the left at that point where the path goes right. The path also used to be quite quiet but the new motorway is close by now and was very busy today.

Guillena itself is much the same but also has a lot of new buildings being constructed to the north of the town.

So far my major feeling is that this walk is going to be as lonely as my sabbatical walk was. I only saw 4 cyclists today and no walkers at all.

Caroline xx

I walked from Sevilla to Santiponce today. That's about 12Km from where I was staying. I stayed last night in Hostal Pino in the Calle Tarifa. It was 30 Euros per night. That's a typical price for Sevilla. You get a better room for £20 in Spain than you typically would in the UK.

Today the walk was through what used to be the Expo 92 lands. It's right next to the canal which is used as a navigable replacement for the Rio  Guadal Quivir which is now silted up after Sevilla.

Because it was a Sunday, they had a Sunday Market in the car park. It is normally deserted when I walk through it. The walk then goes over a bridge over the canal and then through what used to be waste ground, but is now being partially cultivated for what looked like corn.

I usually stop under the new motorway for a rest and a small amount of food, because it's very sheltered. The pack was heavy, so I was glad to be able to stop. I also stopped a little farther on, near what have thought in the past was a private residence but today there was an open air wedding there. I could hear the priest from where I was sitting and tried recording a little, but there were too many cars passing on the dirt road.

After that, the road goes into the outskirts of Santiponce where there is a welcome sign and an information board with a plan of the town on it. I stopped at a bar for a Tinto Verano and then onto the hotel.

I was intending to stay at the Hotel Ventorillo Canario but it was closed for renovation, even though the restaurant part was very busy. I had walked as far as I wished to walk today, so I took a bus back to Sevilla again and tonight I will be staying in Hotel America. In the past, I would have walked on to Guillena but the last time I got lost trying the new route avaoiding the deep stream and ended up getting into Guillena very late  so that there was nowhere to stay as the only hostal was already full. So I ended getting the bus back to Sevilla that time as well.

I have now had a bath and a short nap. I intend  to take the bus back tommorrow to Santiponce and walk to Guillena from there. The bus only cost 1.2 Euros. When I asked for the timetable for tommorrow, they gave me a supermarket receipt style list with all the times on it. They don't appear to print little booklets anymore.

I did not see any other walkers today, other than a Spanish couple in training for their walk later this year.

Because the hotel was closed, I did not get to see the ancient Roman city of Italica after all. They don't let you in with a backpack and I could not leave it anywhere. I have to return to Sevilla for the flight home so I will try and visit Italica then.

As many previous walkers of a camino will understand, my backpack is too heavy, so I will send stuff to myself at Salamanca LISTA De CORREOS. I will do that tommorrow morning.

As the purpose of this walk is to lose weight for my surgery, it might be worthwile listing what I have eaten so far.

On Saturday, I had a LighterLife shake at 4:00 AM when Suzy and I got up then an all day breakfast sandwich at Costa in Heathrow terminal 2 for breakfast at 8:00 AM. Then nothing at all until I had a coffee and a small slice of Apple Tart in Madrid Airport. That was all I had that day as I did not have an evening meal. Today I had another LL shake followed by a Coissant and a coffee for breakfast. A small handful of peanuts and a small piece of cheese for lunch with an energy drink. Then a small Tinto Verano. I have drunk about 2 litres of water so far.

I have just measured my keytone level with a ketostix and the stick went purple, which means between 8 and 16 mmol/L. It was never that high when I was doing the lighter life diet, nornally it was just pinkish! I do need to drink more water though.

So now I can practise the Atkins diet and eat properly. I needed to get my body into ketosis mode first, otherwise the walking will be a waste of time. That typically takes 48 hours. Following the Atkins diet is pretty easy in Spain, as they love their meat here. Staying on the diet means eating protein and fats with a small amout of Carbohydrate. In Spain a typical meal will consist of exactly those things, as they don't go in for vegatables much. However they do have very nice salads and soups. I have to remember to resist the chips they will put down if I order a small fillet steak though!

Caroline x

Questions and a meme from swordpanda.....

1) visual or aural... do you prefer movies or music? and why?

If I were to count my CD and DVD collection, I would have to say I have more DVD's than CD's. It's a tricky question as both forms of media produce different emotions in me. I've always enjoy reading a book more than once and the same is true of music and DVD's and even though I know the plot and the outcome, I will happily watch a good movie several times.

When it's a CD then I might use my own imagination to picture the scene, if any. But when it's a DVD then the producer has already chosen what you are going to see and in most cases I like their choice. When the DVD is of a book I have already read then we have a problem, as I will already have decided what the main characters probably look like and the director may not have made the same choice. There are a few movies like "Contact" or "TLOTR" where I can't imagine any other actor/actress, than the one chosen, playing those particular characters.

Of course I can't watch movies at work but I can listen to music which is what I am doing right now. I'm listening to all the Delerium CD's I have on my iPod. I tend to listen to music which is complex and full of deep bass and high treble. But it must be melodic too!

I cordially dislike country and rap music for this reason.....

2) why do you live where you currently live ?

I live here because I like to live near where I work, preferably within 10-15 minutes driving. When I first moved to my current job, I was saying in B&B places. I looked at a few flats and houses but somehow nothing was quite right. Then I got a phone call out of the blue from one of the agents for a flat which had not been put on their system yet. As soon as I viewed it, I wanted to stay there.....so I put in an offer right away and I am still there.

I've been a very nomadic person all my adult life, never staying at the same address for more than 2 to 3 years at a time. That was a reflection of my inner struggle. Now that inner struggle is mostly over so its time to settle down.

As soon as I moved in I wanted to furnish the place as a proper "home" to settle down into. That's not something I had done before. Very soon I started to transition in that flat and I have lived there for nearly 3 years now, one of them with my partner Suzy. We nearly had to move recently, as the owner wanted to sell but luckily the new owner wanted us to stay.... I hope to live here for many more years yet!

3)would you rather see the world or know the country you live in ?

I thought you were going to be gentle with me?????

I've travelled a bit, mostly walking around Spain and Germany and holidays in Singapore/Malayia. I can't say I have really seen very much of the world. When I am given the chance, I go back to walking again because I love the countryside and the people I meet on my walking holidays. It's a unique situation and I would never meet these people in normal life, no matter how much I travelled.

So I should answer that it would be better to find out about the country I live in as we miss so much of what is under our proverbial noses! However if I were to win a lot of money on the lottery then I would still spend my time walking around Europe....

4)what is your most valued posession ?

I took a sabbatical a few years ago. I sold my house and its contents to my neighbour, my car to a car dealer and stored my books and music with friends. I did not want to lose those. I don't have one specific item that is valuable to me, as they are collectively important to me. If I had to choose between giving up books or music then I would give up the music. I would miss the use of my eyes far more than the loss of hearing I think....

5)what is the greatest thing you have done for someone else and why?

The greatest thing I have done is to find Suzy and fall in love and help her through her own transition, surgery etc. That's my main purpose in life these days.

It's what I was meant for, to care and nurture and love someone. I never thought it would happen, but it has.....

Now its your turn to pass this on....

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions.

3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

[X] I am bisexual

[ ] I am homosexual

[ ] I collect comic books.

[X]I shut others out when I'm sad

[ ] I open up to others easily

[X] I am keeping a secret from the world

 [ ] I watch the news

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs

[ ] I own something from Hot Topic

[ ]I like Disney movies

[X] I am a sucker for eyes

[X] I curse regularly.

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.

[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie

[X] I have a job

[ ] I love Martha Stewart.

[X] I am in love/like with someone.

[X] I am self conscious

[X] I like to laugh.

[ ] I smoke a pack a day.

[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[ ] I can't swallow pills.

[ ] I have many scars

[X] I've been out of this country

[X] I am really ticklish.

[ ] I love chocolate.

[ ] I am comfortable with being me.

[ ] I play computer games/video games when I'm bored

[X] Gotten lost in the city

[X] Saw a shooting star.

[ ] I had a serious Surgery.

[X] I have kissed a stranger.

[X] Hugged a stranger.

[ ] Been in a fist fight with the same sex.

[ ] Been arrested.

[X] Laughed and had milk/soda come out of your nose.

[X] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator

[ ] Made out in an elevator.

[X] Cursed at your parents.

[X] Kicked a guy where it hurts.

[ ] Been skydiving.

[ ] Been bungee jumping.

[X] Broken a bone.

[X] Played spin the bottle.

[X] Gotten the chicken pox.

[X] Ridden in a taxi.

[ ] Shoplifted.

[ ] Been fired.

[X] had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.

[X] Stole something from your job.

[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.

[X] Saw someone/something dying.

[X] Riden over 400 miles in one day.

[X] Been on a plane.

[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[ ] Thrown up in a bar.

[ ] Eaten Sushi.

[X] Met someone in person from the internet.

[ ] been to a motocross show.

[ ] Done hard drugs

[X] Taken painkillers.

[ ] Cheated on someone

Caroline XXX

Pinched from various folk.....if is in bold then its true.
* I miss somebody right now. My friend from University days, we were lab partners and became good friends. He can't seem to accept my transitioning.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies. Unfortunately I was addicted to these for a long time. Until a few weeks after stating hormones that is!
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes but only in the sense of swearing, not spellcraft.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. Wonderful things those little blue pills!
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. But not for self defense!
* I have broken someone's bones and they damn well deserved it.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal and no manner of questioning will ever reveal it.
* I hate the rain. Especially when the wind drives it into my face!
* I'm paranoid at times but who isn't?
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. The cost is the only thing stopping me!
* I need/want money right now and unfortunately it's need. Se the previous item,
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast.
* I have fresh breath in the morning. Most of the time.....
* I have long hair. and want it to go as long, glossy and thick as possible.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas. - I NEVER gamble. I don't even play the lottery.
* I have at least one sibling. I'm the youngest of four!
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months Though not in an underhand way at all.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized. Legalised and regulated, that is.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
* I have a lot of friends.
* I am currently single.
* I have pecked someone of the same sex Usually as a precurser to doing something far more interesting.
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. - I actually prefer to wear as little as possible!
* I love to shop and/or window shop.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
* I don't hate anyone.
* I'm a pretty good dancer
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone. Since I work in the telecomms industry, it's difficult not too!
* I believe in God. (And Goddess!) I'm a lapsed Buddhist and Buddhism has no gods, but many dieties!
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently love someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I'm not allergic to anything.
* I have a lot to learn. I believe this is true of everyone....
* I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before. Alcohol yes, but drugs NEVER.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* I enjoy some country music. Country music SUCKS!
* I would die for my best friends.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career. - I would if I had any!
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I’m obsessed with guys.
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met. I didn't learn to tie mine until I was 10 years old!
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job.
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced. Belly too.
* I walk barefoot wherever I can. Naked too!
* I have jumped off a bridge. - not quite, but I got talked down off one a long time ago.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I love sci-fi movies.
* I went to college out of state/city.
* I am adopted.
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
* I adore bright colors.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
* I talk in my sleep. - No idea, ask Suzy!
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century decade. I've had several past live recalls going back thousands of years.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all. So not you're typical engineer then!
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I'm an artist.
* I am ambidexterous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I hate my toes.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different counties or countries. Both!
* I am extremely flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I want to own my own business.
* I smoke.
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tear every now and then. Not just a trickle!
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons. But I hate violence in any form....
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds. But my feet are firmly grounded!
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled to more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I am a Libertarian.
* I could speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place. But not by choice!
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was amiscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
* I've been married and am now divorced. - In fact I spent xmas along by choice one year and I enjoyed it to a degree.
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
* I like most animals better than most people.
* I own a collection of retro games consoles.
* I often feel completely out of control of my life.
* Sometimes I wish I could stop myself from saying things
* I love going to the gym
* I set high standard for myself when it comes to achieving things.

Caroline xxx